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A Bald Egg

Me: Oooh, I think I might have a boiled egg for breakfast.

(Son looks at me very puzzled)

Me: What is it?

Son: Well you can’t eat a hairy egg Daddy. That would be disgusting.

(Now I am as puzzled as he was 10 seconds ago. We are both looking at each other as though we’re trying to sniff out a gas leak)

Son: You can only eat the bald ones Daddy. Hairy eggs have little furry chicks in them.

(The penny drops…WHO taught him that baloney? Ah! It was me about a year ago…)

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Prawn Snacker

My daughter tried a prawn cracker for the first time and loved it.

Two days later I asked her if she’d like a snack.

Me: You have a choice of (looking through bag) a rice cake, bread stick or some apple.

Daughter: Prawn Snacker.

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A Scanner Transformer

Son: What’s that noise Daddy?

Me: It’s just the scanner, it’s very noisy isn’t it?

Son: Yes. It sounds like a transformer Daddy.

Me: (Chuffed that he thinks I’m in charge of a ‘Transformer’-like device) Ha! Yes, you’re right, it sure does!

Son: Yes, it is like a transformer because of all the funny noises it makes. But it’s a transformer that makes all the noises but doesn’t transform. It’s a really rubbish transformer Daddy.

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Moo Is the Only Word a Cow Can Say

We had been discussing the special abilities of different animals…

Me: You’re a human being. Your special skill lies in how smart you are. You are smarter than all of the other animals in the world.

Son: Yes. Yes I am (He is very pleased with himself). Cows are not smart. ‘Moo’ is the only word they can say.

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An Ostrich hiding from the rain. It has no Umbrella.

This is from my Girl.

Daughter: I will put my hands in my pocket today Daddy so if it rains my head will get wet but not my hands.

Me: Okay, fair enough. You don’t mind your head getting wet?

Daughter: No.

Me: Can you fit your head in your pocket as well? Like an Ostrich hiding from the rain under its wing?

Daughter: An Ostrich MUST hide its head under its wing Daddy; it has no umbrella.

Me: True.

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A Lion’s Favourite Fruit

Me: Hey, want to hear a joke?

Son: Okay, what is it?

Me: What’s a lion’s favourite fruit?

Son: Hmmm. People?

I couldn’t stop laughing, because of his immediate, excellent response and also because of the dawning realisation that he is closer to the truth than the joke’s true punchline; ‘st-ROAR-berry’.

‘People’ is much better.

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A Monster Jumping For Joy

My son just wanted to confirm a couple of things with me. He needed the reassurance that not all monsters were baddies. “Sure”, I said, “some monsters are so happy they dance and sing, some even jump for joy.”

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A Bed Bug

Me: Night Night. Mind the bed bugs don’t bite.

Son: Daddy what do bed bugs look like? Can you draw one for me?

Me: Sure. (Draws Picture) This is what they DON’T look like if you go to sleep and what they DO look like when you try to stay awake. Good night, love you.

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‘Broccoli Playing Musical Statues’

Because vegetables just want to have fun.

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‘A Skittle Getting Hit By A Ball’

He’s getting better at skittles and takes delight in SMASHING all the skittles down in one go.

I do too.

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‘That Sad Dog Wearing The Funny Hat’

My son pointed out a dog in the park wearing a flea collar.

Son: Why is that dog wearing that funny hat Daddy?

Me: It’s his sun hat. It gives him shade from the sun.

Son: I don’t think it’s a sun hat Daddy. I think it’s his sad hat.

Me: Hmmm. You may well be right buddy…

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‘My Letter. It is the BEST Letter.’

So he’s practicing his writing at the moment. This is the best way to get him to remember what’s what. It also makes his letter appear to be the BEST letter of the alphabet. Which it is.

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‘Uncle Todd’s hair and your…no hair.’

My son was watching me as I was shaving my head in the bathroom.

Me: Do you want shaved hair like Daddy or long hair like Uncle Todd when you’re older?

A large clump of my hair falls into the bath from the clippers.

Son: Uncle Todd’s hair.

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‘Not a Lady Ladybird’

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Daddy, I want a Ladybird. But not a lady Ladybird, a man Ladybird… A Manbird.

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‘A Bird Guessing If It Will Rain’

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Me: Oh look! A bird. I wonder what he’s thinking about.

Son: Will it rain today Daddy? I think that is what that bird is thinking about.

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‘An Owl Wearing A Hat’

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Me: So an Owl wearing a hat eh? A Santa hat?

Son: Daddy that is silly. No. A normal hat.

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‘Tomato Head’

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Me: A felt tip drawing!? Are you mad!?

Son: Go on Daddy, draw the Tomato Head!

You know you need to get out more when the art medium seems crazier than the request to draw a foodstuff with eyes and teeth.

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‘Mr. Fishlegs’

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I had tried explaining to my son that all life on earth evolved from life in the sea. It was taking a quite a while to convince him that creatures that once lived in the water had to grow legs for life on land. This all naturally led to a discussion about Mr Fishlegs and his lifetime of struggling with (sarcastic) dinosaurs.

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‘A Ladyfish’

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I was at the dinner table with my 3 yr old son and 2 yr old daughter goofing around…

Son: How do you know if a fish is a boy or a girl Daddy?

Me: Errrr, there are subtle differences in their appearance I suppose…

Son: Does the Manfish wear glasses like you daddy?

Me: Yes. And the Ladyfish has big eyelashes and wears lipstick.

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‘The Scary Bouncy Castle’

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Only a bouncy castle seems to offer one that peculiar sense of invincibility and freedom rolled into one, perhaps only exceed by fantastical dreams of walking on the moon or floating free in space.We all love a good bouncy castle don’t we?

Yesterday, my son asked to go on the bouncy castle at his school’s winter fair so I paid for him to have a turn. Without moving an inch from the spot from where he had removed his shoes, he declared that it was too scary and put his shoes back on.

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‘Unhapea’

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‘Daddy? Do peas like being eaten? Like rice likes being eaten?’

(My statement a minute earlier: ‘Make sure you eat all your rice, it’ll be sad and unhappy if it’s not all gobbled up’)

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‘Fish Socks’

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This was the answer I got when he was asked what he might want for Christmas… I seized up laughing.

Seriously, Fish Socks!?

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‘My Dino Egg…Hatching!’

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It stated on the packet of the dino egg that it’d only take 48hrs for his dino egg to hatch. Poor thing; he’s waited four days now…

Here’s a crayon doodle of it instead for you son. X

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‘An Apple Pumpkin’

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Son: Why can’t we have scary apples instead of pumpkins?

Me: Well I think carving a pumpkin is a lot easier.

Son: But for my small hands it would be easier Daddy.

Me:…you’re right.

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‘The Spider On Your Head’

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He’s getting funnier.

This was a very clever request that doubled up as a scare attempt. Needless to say, I wasn’t worried…not one bit.

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‘Dinosaur Bus’

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He was playing with his toy dinosaurs on a red double decker and his brachiosaurus wouldn’t fit on the bus. I suggested that maybe he could let the brachiosaurus give the other dinos a ride instead?

‘Yes Daddy! A ride on the dinosaur bus!’

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‘The Grumpy Builders Sitting On The Wall’

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We walked past 3 builders sitting silently on a wall having just finished their lunch and the looks on their faces betrayed their obvious lack of joy at the thought of returning to work. When I asked my son why he wanted me to draw these guys he said, ‘Because they look they’ve been naughty at nursery daddy’.

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‘A Monkey Pretending to Be A Monkey Puzzle Tree’

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Because he’s obsessed with Monkey Puzzle Trees at the moment.

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‘Peanut Buddy’

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This is what my daughter calls Peanut Butter and so my son asked me to draw it. Peanut Buddy…cracks me up.

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‘A Boy Riding On A Rhinoceros Beetle’

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This is my son. On a Rhinoceros Beetle. He asked for it politely so he got it.

As well as being something that my child asked me to draw, this is also a result of a dinner doodles session (hence the coloured paper), inspired by the indefatigable Mo Willems. Thanks Mo!

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‘An Ant Trying To Eat An Anteater’

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I love the absurdity of this suggestion. What would we name this new species? An Anteatereater?

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‘A Blue Bottle Fly’

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‘But Daddy, If it a Blue Bottle Fly, why it not a bottle that is blue and is flying?’

Good question, good question indeed.

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‘The Traffic Lights Dance’

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I had to do 2 pics as it was such a great request.

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‘A Giant Squid Hug’

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Son: Oooh Daddy! Your hug is too tight! It like a giant squid hug!

Me: Brilliant! Let me write that down buddy…

Son: Yes, you can draw this for me.

Me: Thanks.

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‘A Happy Star’

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A happy star. A great suggestion, ideas don’t really get that much better than this.